Miscommunication

My mother has a habit of saying things half way. Sometimes she stops talking mid-sentence, or talks vaguely and expects me to know exactly what she's talking about. When she says something like, "Meet me by the piano," I wonder whether she mean the piano in the hospital lobby, the piano in the hospital cafeteria or the piano studio three blocks away?

Just today when we were in the kitchen, preparing to have some guests over for dinner, she told me to "Go clean that up." I went ahead to organize a stack of papers on the counter, when she groaned in frustration and proclaimed that that I can't do anything right. "The dishes,"she said, motioning to the sink, "Dry the dishes. You need to have everything specific, don't you?"

Yes, yes I do need some details. "You always speak in pronouns," I replied, "Well, pronouns are supposed to have an antecedent but you never say the antecedent." I'm studying for the ACT test and my mother happens to be a professional English language-knower.

"But you can guess, can't you?"

"I can, and I get it right 80% of the time, but you emphasize all the times I get it wrong."

She seemed to find this humorous, "You know, it would be nice if you had telepathy. Then you would know everything that I want you to do."

"It doesn't work that way."

It's Been So Long!

Well... what has been going on during my blogging-absence?



My mother bought a new home! It's a two-bedroom townhome that's in really good condition with hardwood floors, an electric stove, and a two-car garage. We are very pleased with it. Moving was a pain though. A very large pain. You never realize how much stuff you have until you have to put it all in cardboard boxes and load it onto a truck. My mom said that if you truly wish to inflict pain on someone you should pray for them to have to move and to do it all by themselves.

On a happier note, for Christmas (which my family celebrates although I do not personally identify myself as Christian, anyway the holiday has become pretty secular) I got the book The Secret along with The Secret Gratitude Book, which are not as bad as I imagined. I originally thought The Secret to be another self-help scam originated by a business-savy creative writer, but this one actually had some good tips on thinking positively and confidently in order to achieve success in all aspects of life. I'll admit there is still a bit of the whole cheesy "this is an ancient solution kept secret for thousands of years... UNTIL NOW"-type thing, but overall I would reccomend it. I especially like the Secret Gratitude Book because it is basically a journal where you write all the things you're grateful for on one side of the page, and on the other side you write down some things you would be grateful for if/when they happen ("Gratitude Intentions"). Also, before writing a suggestion in the the journal is to repeat "Thank you" twenty times in your head before beginning to write and twenty times after, just to let the feeling of gratitude sink in. I think this is a really good idea to do every night in order to learn how to appreciate all the things you have.

I've had a wonderful two-week vacation from school and I hope everyone else is enjoying the holidays too. Blessings!

In Defence of Femininity

Over the past few months, I've been examining myself and my identity as a woman. I've been looking at what I naturally value for myself, what modern culture expects from me, and what traditional values state. I'm a regular follower of the website Feelin' Feminine be it that I am not Christian or Jewish, and on the flip side I've watched videos by lacigreen and such on youtube for the opposite point of view, so I think I have a pretty good idea of both sides. I think I've got myself sorted out for the most part.

While, I'm not the most patriarchal person, because I've been given reason not to be, I do believe that men who actually do their job behaving like men and take on the responsibilities of men deserve to be recognized for their actions the same way women are emulated in the public world. I believe that if more positive messages were being given out to boys and men, telling them that being a man involves taking responsibility for women ei. not just sitting on the couch, possibly after a 9-5 workday, and demanding sex, then there would be less chaos in the private world. Reversely, I believe that women who "do too much", work a full day, take care of the kids, cook, clean, tend to their husband/boyfriend, aren't helping the situation either, because if they assume responsibility of everything, then the man isn't going to just suddenly becaume a chivalrous knight in shining armor for no reason.

I also support modesty rather than the "if you got it, flaunt it" mentality. Modesty makes me feel comfortable and secure in myself. It takes more than the right set of genitals to be a lady, and in the same way it takes more than a generous set of fabric over one's body to be modest. Modesty is more about drawing attention to oneself in a positive manner rather than a vulgar one. There is much more respect shown to a kind girl who can be percieved as beautiful without being outright sexual, rather than an outwardly confident and loud girl who makes use of nothing but her carnal appeal.

When it comes down to it, femininity is really a matter of perception. From every side of the spectrum, everyone's calling each other oppressed, overworked, undervalued, underappreciated, and asserting themselves sole as the "free" women of the world that don't face the plights that other women do. The best thing is to just evaluate the options, go with the most reasonable one, and ignore the backlash of different societies calling you crazy.

For the Love of Studying

I am a student and I can not stress enough on how much I love studying. The excitement of obtaining new information and solving problems brings great enjoyment into my life. There is so much class, so much wisdom and truth in knowledge, the thirst for it is insatiable.

But here is the clinch, I love studying, but I cannot say the same for school. In school my goal is not to learn and absorbe information, but to get enough points so that when the end of the quarter or semester comes around I have a black letter A for most of my classes and a GPA of at least 3.8 . That is the problem with school. The incentive is not to aquire information and skill, but to prove that you know. In this way I've made it through most of my math classes with an A or a B but I still can not do addition or subtraction confidently without a calculator. Yet, by looking at my record I can say that I am good at math. Great, isn't it?

I've wished so badly, ever since middle school that I could be homeschooled. I could go at my own pace for mathematics, have actual time to learn and memorize the processes and breeze through English and history class. It would be so much more effective and I think I would be better off, but my parents believe that doing that would make me more antisocial than I already am. I don't completely agree, but I can't change anything about it. When I grow up if I have children, I don't think I would have them go to public school for the entire K-12.

What I Want From Life

I know I'm a hard-core romantic. It's very sad.

I want a fairy-tale life, even though I know that will never happen. I know that I will most likely grow up, and have a 9-5 job in a medical field that will give me a stable income to live by.

What I want is a life on homestead-farm, wearing dresses while picking apples apples and planting tomatoes, watering roses, and in the evenings retiring to read the Qu'ran or Where Angels Fear to Tread. I would have a lovely, fit, husband with a well paying job, that loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life raising a family with me. Not to mention, he helps with household chores.

That's very unlikely, I realize that. I'm crazy and if I don't sober-up soon, I'm very likely not going to have anything in life. Reality is not a Jane Austen novel, no matter how much one tries to make it.

My parents are getting divorced. My dad is staying here on the weekends, until he gets stationed in his new, better paying job, and my mom has bought a townhouse for her, I, and, hopefully by this summer, my grandmother to live in. The relationship broke years ago. I will survive it, perhaps forget it in ten years time, my mother and grandmother will survive it, I'm not so sure about my dad, but he will have to live through it too.

That's reality.